I have a confession: I have become that friend.
I am the friend who brings their partner to dinner without asking, the friend whose social media posts make you gag and the friend you haven't seen in months.
I'm sorry. It's not you, it's us.
The following is a list of all the ways I, and others like me, have hurt you.
1. I am no longer a 'me' but a 'we'
We can no longer speak in first person. We try but it just doesn't feel right. What am "I" doing this weekend? I have no idea. But we're going apple-picking. We love apples.
2. I have used every opportunity to talk about my partner
I can't help that I try to slip them into unrelated conversations. The thought of them sits in my chest like vomit after three bottles of wine. I must tell you about our couples getaway. I MUST.
3. I have tried to convince you this relationship is different
I have gone to extreme lengths to explain to you how this relationship is different. I have become irrationally offended when you pointed out similarities to past flings. I have told you that you're wrong. Loudly.
4. I have brought them to a catch-up where you wanted to talk about a private matter
I am sorry for the time you wanted to talk about all that work/life/love stuff and you couldn't because my partner is a total stranger to you.
5. I have uploaded a million almost identical photos of us onto Instagram with sickeningly sweet captions
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. My captions are just one big blur of love-related emojis and my photos are no better.
6. I have bailed. Bailed on you with notice. And bailed on you without notice
I told you that I wasn't feeling it. I told you I was feeling off. I told you I was tired. I was texting you from bed. (Sorry.)
7. I gave you SHITTY relationship advice
I told you to break-up with your partner because obviously you haven't met the right person because obviously I have met the right person and every relationship should feel this perfect and always be perfect and you are just wasting your time. Poor you. (I'm very sorry about this.)
Not sure what to say on a first date? We've got 36 solutions to that problem
7. I turned up to something without my partner and acted like a sour puss
Remember when I went to that thing and you immediately regretted making me leave her at home? Yeah, me too.
8. I reminded you of all the times you did this to me
Remember when you convinced me to go on a "girls road trip" but really we were driving six hours so you could bang that backpacker who was picking bananas for their working visa? I do.
9. And finally...
I just wanted to let you know that I am so thankful to have a friend like you.
I promise I will leave the relationship bubble soon. Unless I was right about all of the above and I have found my true love and I'm like this forever.
This post originally appeared on Mamamia, Spring.St's Australian sister site. You can read it here.